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Mrs Wife (is very, very cross with Mr Wife)

In My Marriage on July 24, 2011 at 11:03 am

There is something wonderful & unique at the centre of most expat lives; a marriage. Certainly you can’t be an ‘expat wife’ or a ‘trailing spouse’ without one.

Having trawled the blogosphere for a comforting voice on the trials of expat marriage and not found one, I am left to conclude either that;

  1. no other expats couples get p*ssed off with each other;
  2. that there is a conspiracy of silence or;
  3. bloggers are sensible enough not to blog when they are actually furious with their partners and when that passes, they have forgotten what all the fuss was about.

Well I was recently in just such a position of emotional turmoil: Dean had said the wrong thing and to such an extent that I wondered who he’s been married to for the last year because it couldn’t possibly be me.  I was so angry with him that I just wanted to leave.

When Dean does not ‘step up to the mark’ to provide the comfort and support I need, I feel very lonely. I don’t have an obvious person to talk to; the people who know me best do not fully understand the expat life and other expats don’t know me well enough to be trusted with unadulterated Dean-bashing (they might take it seriously!)

While I generally find expat blogs and websites very helpful, I couldn’t find much on domestic disharmony (certainly for the key words I was looking up) so I decided to offer this post as my contribution to the canon.

To recap, this was the situation:
I had explained, on a number of occasions, over several months and in various degrees of composure, that I find expat life challenging. My husband said something that revealed so little understanding of my position that I was left to conclude that he hadn’t been listening to me at all. I needed to talk to someone but the obvious choice (i.e. my husband) had already failed me.

So, was the solution:

  1. get on that plane;
  2. sulk and feel sorry for myself;
  3. murder on the Aravali Hills or;
  4. talk to him anyway

Well it was a fair amount of 2) followed by 4) – although I was seriously tempted by the airport.

I felt isolated and hurt and I blamed Dean. I have read somewhere in the blogosphere that one of the guiding principles of a happy marriage is, always blame the situation and not the person.  It’s good advice. We talked, I made it very clear to Dean what I needed from him in our situation, I even devised a mnemonic – more another time, Dean has agreed to work on it. So it turns out Mr Wife isn’t that bad after all (until the next time).

My love; I love him

In My Marriage on February 14, 2011 at 8:22 pm

1) It’s Valentines Day
2) I’ve remembered that I enjoy writing

I don’t want to give you the impression that Dean an I won’t have a row this evening. We row all the time. We rowed all the time in the UK too but these are special expat rows. It goes something like this:

Expat worker: It’s late, he [sic] is tired and hungry. Work has been hard, he’s had enough. He just wants to eat his dinner, watch TV and go to bed.
Expat trailer (the spouse): It’s late, she [sic] is tired and hungry. She’s had a tough day and hasn’t had anyone to talk to about it. She just wants to eat her dinner and talk to her husband.
BANG!

Anyway that’s not what this post is about.

Dean is and I do. I’ve been married for less than a year. About 10 weeks before my wedding India ‘came up’, two weeks later I was on a plane to ‘look see’, one week after that I gave up work, then I got married and 5 weeks after that I moved. Seven months in and we haven’t got a divorce; all things considered, I think we’re doing well.

Happy Valentines Darling!