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Mrs Wife (is very, very cross with Mr Wife)

In My Marriage on July 24, 2011 at 11:03 am

There is something wonderful & unique at the centre of most expat lives; a marriage. Certainly you can’t be an ‘expat wife’ or a ‘trailing spouse’ without one.

Having trawled the blogosphere for a comforting voice on the trials of expat marriage and not found one, I am left to conclude either that;

  1. no other expats couples get p*ssed off with each other;
  2. that there is a conspiracy of silence or;
  3. bloggers are sensible enough not to blog when they are actually furious with their partners and when that passes, they have forgotten what all the fuss was about.

Well I was recently in just such a position of emotional turmoil: Dean had said the wrong thing and to such an extent that I wondered who he’s been married to for the last year because it couldn’t possibly be me.  I was so angry with him that I just wanted to leave.

When Dean does not ‘step up to the mark’ to provide the comfort and support I need, I feel very lonely. I don’t have an obvious person to talk to; the people who know me best do not fully understand the expat life and other expats don’t know me well enough to be trusted with unadulterated Dean-bashing (they might take it seriously!)

While I generally find expat blogs and websites very helpful, I couldn’t find much on domestic disharmony (certainly for the key words I was looking up) so I decided to offer this post as my contribution to the canon.

To recap, this was the situation:
I had explained, on a number of occasions, over several months and in various degrees of composure, that I find expat life challenging. My husband said something that revealed so little understanding of my position that I was left to conclude that he hadn’t been listening to me at all. I needed to talk to someone but the obvious choice (i.e. my husband) had already failed me.

So, was the solution:

  1. get on that plane;
  2. sulk and feel sorry for myself;
  3. murder on the Aravali Hills or;
  4. talk to him anyway

Well it was a fair amount of 2) followed by 4) – although I was seriously tempted by the airport.

I felt isolated and hurt and I blamed Dean. I have read somewhere in the blogosphere that one of the guiding principles of a happy marriage is, always blame the situation and not the person.  It’s good advice. We talked, I made it very clear to Dean what I needed from him in our situation, I even devised a mnemonic – more another time, Dean has agreed to work on it. So it turns out Mr Wife isn’t that bad after all (until the next time).

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